


Movie Loves a Screen

by sinshine



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Human AU, M/M, Slice of Life, invasive thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-10-31 03:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10891005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/pseuds/sinshine
Summary: “You know what I want.”“Beg pardon?”Nagachika's smile was full of mirth. “I want you to call me 'Hide.'”[In which Kaneki is a hot mess of an adult trying to get his life together and Hide is blessed with infinite patience.]





	1. en media res

The worst mornings are the ones where he wakes up.

Kaneki rolled over in bed and searched blindly for his cellphone. It was hidden somewhere inbetween the blankets and he tried to feel out the source of the vibration, still unwilling to open his eyes. He missed the call and sighed as he stopped looking for it. Half a memory of a dream he'd been having still floated around in his head. He didn't remember what it was about, but he felt the lingering impression of someone else's warmth and a sense of belonging that faded even as he tried to hold onto it. It had probably been a nice dream.

The cellphone vibrated again. Kaneki groaned as he gave up on the idea of going back to sleep and dug the phone out successfully this time. He cracked open an eye and squinted at Touka's name on the screen before answering.

“Good morning.” Kaneki's face was still mostly pressed into his pillow and the words came out slurred.

“It's one in the afternoon,” Touka snapped. Kaneki put some distance between the phone and his ear. “Get the fuck up!”

“Touka, it's Saturday.” Kaneki knew he was whining but couldn't bring himself to care. “Just let me wallow in peace.”

“I'm coming over in twenty minutes. You'd better be up or I'm gonna kick your ass out of bed!” Her voice became distant and Kaneki could hear her speaking softly with someone.

“Okay,” she said into the phone. Kaneki could tell by her annoyed tone that Touka was speaking to him again. “Yoriko says that the oven won't be done for ten more minutes. So you've actually got a solid thirty to prepare for your ass-whooping.”

“You're bringing food from Yoriko?” Kaneki became slightly more interested in the idea of being conscious.

“You only get some if you're vertical when I get there.”

“Deal.”

Kaneki sighed again as he flipped his phone shut. He stayed in bed for another half hour before fully resigning himself to human interaction. When he answered the door fifteen minutes after that, he greeted Touka in sweatpants and the t-shirt he had slept in.

“You haven't showered.” Touka wrinkled her nose as she took in his appearance.

“I brushed my teeth.” Kaneki shrugged. “The deal was 'vertical.'”

“Ugh.” Touka pushed a small package at him as she came inside his apartment. “You barely deserve this.”

Kaneki shut the door and followed her into the kitchen. He inspected the gift she had brought, which was warm and wrapped in aluminum foil.

“Ooh, is this bread?” Kaneki sat down across from Touka at the table and began to pull back the wrapping.

“Yeah. It's pretty fancy; she put apples and cranberries in it.”

Yoriko had already sliced it, so they each took a piece and ate in silence. Touka took the opportunity to survey Kaneki's kitchen and living room and saw that both were relatively clean. There were a few dishes in the sink and the low table in the living room was littered with books and papers, but it was a huge improvement.

“You don't need to keep checking up on me.”

“Who the fuck is going to if I don't?” Touka bit her tongue a moment too late and she looked away from him. Kaneki shrugged and was glad that she had the decency to look somewhat guilty about it.

“Thanks for coming by. And thanks to Yoriko for the bread. This is really good.”

“She'll be glad to hear that.” Touka stood up and went into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. She glanced over the contents of Kaneki's fridge and nodded to herself before reaching for the soy milk. “You should tell her yourself.”

Kaneki braced himself for the uncomfortable conversation topic that he sensed Touka was about to bring up. The same way that a fly senses a rolled-up newspaper in the instant before it strikes.

“You should come out with us tonight.”

“Touka,” Kaneki began carefully, “I don't really-”

“What, you got plans?” Touka huffed and gestured dangerously with the glass of soy milk.

“I'm not letting you drag me out to anymore 'singles' events,” Kaneki said with a finality that was made less severe by the way he picked morosely at the fruit bread. “They're always so depressing. I never meet anyone I like and I'm forced to compare myself to my similarly romantically-uninvolved peers.”

“Kaneki-”

“The last time I went to one of those, that one guy kept shadowing me and talked way too much about vore. _Vore_ , Touka!”

“Yes, I remember the vore guy,” Touka said in a placating manner, obviously trying to suppress a laugh. “And putting aside the fact that it's literally been over a year and you really need to get laid-”

Kaneki moaned and put his head down on the table.

“-I'm actually inviting you out to a trivia night.”

“Singles trivia?”

“Regular trivia. Ayato's coming too.”

“You're inviting me because I know all the obscure literary trivia.”

“Yes, but also because I'm concerned that you're developing a vitamin D deficiency from being inside all the time.”

“I have a sun lamp,” Kaneki said. Because he did and it was a very nice sun lamp.

“We're gonna meet up at eight. I'll text you directions.” Touka eyed him up and down. “Don't wear anything you've worn in the past month.”

After she left, Kaneki put the bread away and cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Then he went back to bed and napped for a few hours. Sort of. He had already slept a lot during the previous night so he laid in bed and alternated between staring at the wall and staring at the back of his eyelids. He enjoyed a few moments of blissful unconsciousness, but finally got up when sleeping for too long had given him a headache and shuffled back into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and eat another slice of bread.

He finally understood Touka's comment on his wardrobe when he opened his closet and realized that he had mostly worn sweatpants and t-shirts for the past few weeks. Funny what unemployment and depression will do to your sense of time.

“Hilarious,” Kaneki said out loud to no one. He selected a button-down and a cardigan that he hadn't worn since before graduation. After he had gotten dressed, brushed his teeth, and flattened his bed-head, it was time to leave.

“I won't be out too late,” he promised his books. Then he locked the front door and made his way to the metro station.

...

Yoriko was the first to notice him.

“Oh, Kaneki!” She beamed at him as Kaneki approached the small group on the sidewalk. “I'm glad to see you.”

“You too, Yoriko. Thank you for the bread.”

“You made it.” Touka's voice was neutral but there was a hint of surprise in her expression.

“Half-ass,” Ayato greeted him.

“We can't all be whole-asses, like you.” Kaneki smiled and shrugged. Ayato grinned and punched him in the arm a little harder than he should have. Touka clicked her tongue and punched Ayato in his arm.

“Ow! Shitty sister!” Ayato's pouting was made more hilarious by the fact that he stood almost a whole head taller than Touka.

“Knock it off! We're here to have fun!”

“Yell more about how much fun we're having! That seems super rational!”

“Hey,” Yoriko said genially. Both Kirishimas fell silent. “Are you kids hangry? Hungry-angry?”

They nodded and Yoriko made consoling sounds while ushering them both inside the restaurant. She winked over her shoulder at Kaneki and he nodded and followed behind.

…

“I _told_ you it was _Doraemon_!” Touka lunged across the table over the plates of food and tried to grab the pencil out of Ayato's hand. Kaneki lifted his drink out of the way and sipped on it.

“Fuck off! I've still gotten way more right than you!” Ayato crumpled up some of the small slips of paper and threw them at Touka, aiming for her eyes.

“So, how are you liking the new apartment?” Kaneki asked as he casually leaned out of range of one of Ayato's wild swings.

“It's lovely! I love how close to the station we are. And there's this restaurant that- oh! You should come round for dinner with us soon.” Yoriko pulled pieces of grilled chicken off a skewer. “I mean, quiet dinner. With more catching-up and fewer obscenities.”

“It's not like I have a lot going on anyway.”

“I don't just mean life events. We need to catch up on our book club, too.” Yoriko offered him a skewer but Kaneki shook his head. “I've almost finished _Monochrome Rainbow_.”

“Really? Do you have a favorite- Ghkk!” Ayato had suddenly thrown his arm around Kaneki's neck and yanked him closer.

“Listen, listen!!”

“--captured in her best-selling debut novel. Meaning to have a nightmarishly bizarre or surreal quality,” the trivia captain said into the microphone. Touka and Ayato looked expectantly at Kaneki.

“Um,” Kaneki said, “I missed the first bit.” He yelped as Ayato groaned and shook him.

“He said that author you're bonkers for! Takakatsuki Wosserface!” Touka stammered and tried to remember the question. “Her first book-- not the name! The thing that was weird about the other name!”

“That's not a thing!” Ayato bemoaned. “You're making it worse!”

“Wait, what?” Kaneki blinked. Then, “ _Oh!_ ”

He gestured for a slip of paper and Ayato pushed the pencil into his hand. Kaneki hurriedly scribbled out the word 'Kafkaesque' next to their team name (The Black Rabbits) as the Kirishimas hollered and beat out an uneven drumroll on the tabletop. Then he stood up and briskly walked to the back wall of the restaurant where they had a table set up to collect and tally answers. Then he all but sprinted back to their table and shrunk down in his seat as the siblings continued to yell and ruffle his hair.

“Please stop,” Kaneki said as he sunk almost below the table. And for a moment it really did seem like they would stop, but then 'Kafkaesque' was announced as the correct answer and they started up even louder than before.

“Kaneki! You're the best!”

“I take back almost everything I ever said about you!”

“Let him breathe, you two.”

 _Bless you, Yoriko._ Kaneki carefully righted himself in his seat after he was no longer being assaulted by good-natured enthusiasm. A brief intermission was announced by the trivia captain and the Kirishimas took a break from bickering about trivia so that they could bicker about the food. Kaneki glanced at his own assortment of sort-of picked at food items but couldn't find an appetite for any of it.

“I, uh, I'm gonna go get some air,” Kaneki excused himself, grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair. Touka gave him a suspicious look but shrugged and didn't say anything.

Stepping outside of the restaurant gave him instant relief. The door swung shut behind Kaneki, trapping the noise and chatter inside the building. The sun had fully set and it was cooler outside than it had been when they entered. It was also drizzling a bit and he regretted not bringing something more waterproof. Kaneki moved a little ways down from the door, away from the glow of the hanging lanterns, but stayed under the awning and glanced around out of habit even though there was no one else out on the street.

It was a habit that Touka absolutely abhorred- and he was working on quitting, really- but right now it was one of the few things that could calm his nerves. Kaneki had just finished lighting his cigarette and was taking his first drag when he restaurant door opened and someone else came out into the rain.

Kaneki and the man stared at each other for a moment. Kaneki's mouth had gone slack and he almost lost his cigarette. He caught it in his hand and didn't wince when he singed a finger.

“Nagachika?”

“Kaneki-sensei,” the other man said cheekily and came closer.

“Don't call me that.” Kaneki wrinkled his nose. “I'm not your tutor anymore.”

“And I'm not your student,” he said with a wry smile.

Kaneki frowned and lifted the cigarette back to his lips, pulling hard to make sure that it stayed lit. He turned his head and exhaled slowly into the rain, watching the smoke curl and dissipate.

“...Hide.”

Hide grinned and leaned back against the wall next to him.

“I hear smoking's bad for you.”

“You followed me out here to sass me?”

“I didn't-- heh.” Hide ducked his head and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I was gonna be smooth and, like, order you a drink or something. So then the server could give it to you and be like 'this is from the hottie at the bar-'” here he made a clicking sound with his tongue and pointed finger-guns at Kaneki- “but then I couldn't remember if you drink alcohol or not and while I was trying to decide if it would still be cool to order you a soda, you came out here.”

Kaneki had barely started on his cigarette but he flicked it out into the wet street. He watched the trails of rain falling through the dim street lights and fiddled with a button on his jacket.

“It's good to see you,” he said at length.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kaneki said more quickly this time, encouraged by how hopeful Hide had sounded. “How, uh, how have you been?”

“Alright.” Hide shrugged. “I don't work at the cafe anymore- I'm at a music store now. Just started the first of my last two semesters so that's kind of exciting.”

“'Exciting' is a word which here means 'anxiously anticipating a series of sleepless nights and environments of elevated stress.'”

“Well, you're not wrong!” Hide laughed and Kaneki thought that his voice sounded wonderful. “I do foresee a lot of those in my future. How about you? How have you been?”

Kaneki was of the opinion that this question had been asked a touch too casually for someone who supposedly had no information on the matter. “I haven't had any trouble finding time to sleep.” He sighed, wishing he could leave it at just that but knowing that he owed Hide more. He decided to get it all out in one breath. “I graduated on time, Rize broke off the engagement, I'm not working under Arima anymore but I don't really have any career prospects right now so... I guess I'm just doing this.”

Kaneki gestured vaguely at the rain, unsure of what he even meant by that. Hide seemed to understand though (didn't he always?) and furrowed his brows.

“When did you start smoking?”

“About a year ago.” One year and eighteen days ago, he found a pack of cigarettes that Rize had left out on the balcony of their apartment. Kaneki knew that she would not be coming back for them. She had left her key behind just hours before.

"When are you stopping?"

"Uh." Kaneki stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets. "Soon, I guess."

"Good." Hide smiled. "I try not to date smokers."

"I don't think this counts as a date." Kaneki hated himself for how quickly his heart was beating.

"Would you like it to?"

"Who are you even here with?" Kaneki suddenly thought of Touka and the others and how long he had been outside.

“Yoriko.”

"What?" Kaneki started.

"We met at student services. A little after I met you there, I think. She didn't tell you? Anyway," Hide blushed and glanced away in a surprising show of shyness, “I've been sitting at the bar. I got nervous when I saw you."

"Does... does she know..."

Hide raised an eyebrow at him. "Know what?"

"Nevermind."

Kaneki stared at the wet street remorsefully and wished that he hadn't thrown out that cigarette after all. Yoriko invited Hide and hadn't said anything about him. Then, Touka had to know about him, too. Shit, was this just another fucking singles event? Oh god, was Hide just here as a favor to Yoriko? Why else would he suddenly, after all this time-- because there's no way he could ever actually want--

Kaneki felt his throat constrict and he wanted very badly at that moment to be back at home in his bed. He wished that he had the nerve to just abandon this conversation and run all the way to the metro station. But he also couldn't deny the part of him that felt thrilled just to be standing near Hide again. Kaneki was rarely excited about other people, but something about Hide's presence made him feel... optimistic.

 _Expectant_ , he corrected himself. _Stop it. Don't do that._

"Hey, are you alright?"

Kaneki nearly jumped out of his skin when Hide stepped closer and touched his arm. His hand slid higher and rubbed over Kaneki's shoulder in a gentle, reassuring way. Kaneki was embarrassed by how intimate this small gesture felt but didn't pull away.

"Why are you here?" Kaneki asked in a voice that was much more miserable than intended. His eyes were caught on the collar of Hide's jacket. He remembered how warm Hide had felt the last time they were this close. How his hands had gently cradled Kaneki's face. How soft his lips were.

“Do you not want me to be here?”

"I thought you hated me."

"I don't."

"But I was awful to you. You didn't deserve-"

The restaurant door opened and a group of people emerged from inside, loud and lively. They paused for a moment under the awning as umbrellas opened and then walked down the street laughing.

“I don't want to be here,” Kaneki admitted. “It's so loud.”

“Would you like to go somewhere quiet with me?”

For time first time since their conversation began, Kaneki faced Hide directly... and then immediately wished that he hadn't. He remembered Hide as being the sort of beautiful that hurt to look at and that definitely hadn't changed in the eighteen months since they'd last seen each other. His hair was longer; blond locks curling softly where they ended around his ears and at the nape of his neck. His eyes appeared black in the dim lighting but Kaneki remembered how warm and brown they were. And now Hide was here, looking at him like there was no one else in the world that he would rather be talking to.

“Yes.”

…

  


"Check this out." Hide grinned and flipped a switch next to the door. All at once, his living room was illuminated by the soft, even glow of white string lights. They hung from the ceiling in a zigzagging pattern and clustered above the couch.

"Well, that's new." Kaneki smiled.

Hide's apartment was just as he remembered it; brightly colored and cozy. Aside from the couch, there were also a couple of armchairs, a stack of floor pillows, and even a large bean bag chair to sit on. On the TV stand next to the video games and movies, there was an assortment of tabletop games. Hide was clearly used to entertaining a number of guests here.

They took their shoes and jackets off at the door, Hide hurrying ahead of him into the kitchen. Kaneki heard the clink of dishware being moved around as he went into the living room.

"You don't have to clean up just because I'm here." Kaneki made himself comfortable on the sea-foam green couch and started leafing through the vinyl records that Hide had left out on the coffee table. "I already know you're a slob."

"Jackass," Hide said, but there seemed to be less noise in the kitchen now. "You want something to drink? I have... water. Or I could make coffee."

"Water's fine. Hey, do you still have that one with the cello covers I liked?”

“What?” Hide came into the living room carrying a glass and set it down on the table near Kaneki before sitting next to him. “Oh. Yeah, it's here somewhere. That's all swing music, though. I've been learning how to do the Lindy Hop.”

“Is that a dance?” Kaneki flipped a record over to read the track listing but none of the songs were familiar to him.

“Yeah! I joined a dance club on campus. We just finished doing a few weeks of latin music- y'know, merengue, salsa- and now we're working on ballroom dances. I want to do swing music after that, but only one other girl knows the Lindy Hop so we've been practicing so that we can teach everyone else.”

“Sounds like fun.” Kaneki smiled and put the record down. “But why swing?”

“No reason. I've just been into big bands lately.”

“Oh.” Kaneki wondered if it was the amount or the size of the instruments that determined the largeness of a band. Hide leaned closer and pressed their shoulders together. Kaneki noticed that he still had water droplets clinging to his hair.

“You should come with me sometime.”

“I can't dance.”

“Can't or won't?”

“Yes?” Without the record in his hands, Kaneki had nothing to fidget with so he rubbed his knuckles. He considered reaching for the glass on the table just so he would have something to hold, but he didn't want to move away from Hide. “I never learned.”

“What, really? Not even, like, the regular stuff?”

“N-no.” Kaneki figured it would probably be too much of a mood killer to say that he had never attended any of the social events where he might have acquired the skill. He wasn't even sure what constituted as 'regular' dancing.

“I could teach you.” Hide smiled and he covered Kaneki's hands with one of his own, stilling their nervous movements. “If you'd like.”

“Uh.” Kaneki felt warm all over. He glanced down briefly at Hide's lips and the action did not go unnoticed. Hide shifted and his other hand came up to cup Kaneki's face. “I, uh... you...”

Kaneki's eyes fluttered closed and his breath caught when Hide kissed him. He leaned into Hide's touch, tilting his head and moving their lips together at a better angle. Hide sighed and both of his hands came up to frame Kaneki's face, then moved over the lines of his jaw and back into his hair. Kaneki's hands clutched onto Hide's shoulders and pulled him closer. He broke the kiss for a moment to finally inhale a slow, shaking breath and let out a surprised moan when Hide took the opportunity to begin kissing his throat. He let Hide push him down onto the couch and move on top of him, shuddering when hands moved over his chest.

“I missed you,” Hide mumbled against his throat before sucking on the skin there. Kaneki keened and his hands grasped at Hide's back.

“H-Hide...”

“Did you miss me?” Hide dragged his teeth along the curve of Kaneki's neck and licked at his collarbone.

“ _Yes_ ,” Kaneki moaned. He rolled his hips without meaning to, but groaned along with Hide when they pressed together.

Hide kissed him without reservation this time, parting Kaneki's lips with his tongue and grinding their hips together. Encouraged by the way Kaneki's hands were sliding up under his shirt and by the sounds he was making, Hide's own hands began to make their way underneath Kaneki's clothes in search of more skin-on-skin contact.

“W-wait,” Kaneki gasped. Hide moved back, propping himself up on his elbows above him.

“Sorry. Too fast?” His eyes were on Kaneki's reddened lips and throat.

“Yeah. Just- just give me a second.”

Hide hummed and slowly leaned in to place soft kisses on Kaneki's cheeks and nose. He waited for Kaneki to draw him in again, his arms going around Hide's neck and shoulders to pull him back down. Their kissing escalated and Kaneki was once again gasping beneath him, his nails scratching over Hide's back and responding audibly to every touch. Hide ran his hand heavily down Kaneki's chest, enjoying the way he whimpered at the contact, and then hiked up the hem of his shirt.

“Keep going,” Kaneki said when Hide paused. But Hide's expression was quickly growing concerned. He hadn't missed the way that Kaneki froze when his stomach was uncovered.

“Are you sure?”

“Y-yeah.”

Hide considered him for a long moment, brows furrowing. Kaneki glanced away.

“Kaneki,” Hide tugged his shirt back down, “You don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.”

“I said it's fine.”

“So you're not uncomfortable?”

“That doesn't-- You're asking a lot of questions today.”

Hide smiled wryly and pushed himself upright so that he was sitting on the couch. He offered a hand to Kaneki, who stared at him sourly before accepting and allowed himself to be pulled up as well. Kaneki sat hunched so Hide put an arm around his shoulders and brought him close. Eventually, Kaneki relaxed and leaned into him, resting his head on Hide's shoulder with a sigh.

“Sorry.”

“You don't have anything to be sorry for.” Hide kissed the top of his head. “I'm still glad you're here. That won't change.”

“...Really?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“Really really.” Hide rubbed his hand up and down Kaneki's arm. “Do you want to watch a movie? Or you could try a video game, but I remember you being shit at those.”

“I can stay?” Kaneki said this with such genuine surprise that Hide pulled him back so that he could look at his face.

“Of course you can stay,”Hide asserted, alarmed by the realization that Kaneki had been very close to crying. “I haven't seen you in a year and a half! You think I'm gonna call it over at-” he glanced at a wall clock- “Ten on a Saturday? Yikes! Even Cinderella got until midnight, you pumpkin.”

Kaneki laughed a little, visibly relieved.

“I'll tell you what- just for that, I'm gonna make some coffee. So now you _have_ to stay up and watch at least _two_ movies with me.” Hide ruffled Kaneki's hair before standing up and going into the kitchen. As he riffled around in the cabinet for a certain mug, Hide hoped that this would also give Kaneki enough time to calm down.

“And I'm sorry, too,” Hide said to fill the quiet. “I, heh, I shouldn't have assumed that just because Yoriko said you wanted to see me--” He was cut off by by a noise from the living room that he would soon discover was Kaneki hitting his shin on the coffee table.

“Yoriko said _what?_ ”

  


 


	2. snapshots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I may have been told before that my observational skills need some work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

 ___(three years ago)___

  
  


Nagachika would not describe himself as a 'fan' of reading. He was an 'advocate', certainly, because reading is learning is knowledge is power yadda yadda and whatever else the posters in the library of his primary school had said. But Nagachika didn't learn by reading; he learned by doing. And mostly, this worked out pretty well for him. He learned instruments by listening, he learned German by speaking it, and he assembled furniture by guessing.

“So you understand, Kaneki-senpai, why a literature class is simply beyond me.” Nagachika exhaled dramatically as his body bent forward and sprawled out over the table. “I totally get that Dazai is, like, a Super Big Deal but besides not being able to pay attention to a book for that long, I just keep thinking about how sad he was.”

“He did lead a very tumultuous life. And many of his circumstances seemed to be self-inflicted.” Kaneki tried to tug _No Longer Human_ out from under Nagachika. “But I think that if you concentrate instead on the unique confessional-style narrative, then you'll find the content much more interesting.”

“It's not that it isn't interesting,” Nagachika said while willing himself to become heavier so that the book remained trapped, “It's that it's terribly depressing.”

“Unfortunately, I'm afraid that there's nothing I can do to make Dazai Osamu less suicidal. However,” Kaneki quickly recovered _The Setting Sun_ before Nagachika could appropriately redistribute his weight, “Since you do need to read both of these for your class, I recommend beginning with _The Setting Sun._ Although the protagonist of this novel also suffers, I think you will find her much more tenacious. Actually, one of my favorite passages is in this book.”

Both of them were silent for a moment.

“Well?” Nagachika grinned up at him.

“Well, what?” Kaneki frowned, feeling as though he had been exposed somehow. This was his third tutoring session with Nagachika and the other man had a way of making him feel unsteady in their conversations.

“Aren't you going to read me your favorite passage?” Seeing that Kaneki was about to decline the request, Nagachika quickly continued with, “Then I'll be more excited to read it so that I can get to the part that you like.”

“You're unbelievable.”

“Thank you.”

“That wasn't-- okay, fine. But not in here.” Kaneki sighed. Rize was right, he did bend too easily to other people. But Nagachika did seem honestly interested...

They packed up their bags and left the study hall, Kaneki leading them down the stairs and outside into the courtyard. While Nagachika stretched his arms overhead and enjoyed the mild April weather, Kaneki looked around for an unpopulated area. Finally, he chose a late-blooming cherry tree whose branches were heavily laden with flowers, thus providing a somewhat secluded alcove to stand in. Nagachika followed obediently and asked no questions, but he did appear slightly amused. He watched with interest as Kaneki flipped to a page about two-thirds of the way through the book.

“'I have never felt myself drawn toward revolution, and I have not even known love. The older and wiser heads of the world have always described revolution and love to us as the two most foolish and loathsome of human activities. Before the war, even during the war, we were convinced of it ...'”

Truthfully, Kaneki knew this paragraph by heart and didn't even need the book, but it felt better to have something to hold in his hands while he did this. And if he wasn't looking at the book, then he would have to recite while facing the tree or (god forbid) while making eye contact with Nagachika.

“'... This I want to believe implicitly: Man was born for love and revolution.'”

Kaneki closed the book, signaling the end of his recitation, and offered it to Nagachika. He blinked, as though coming out of a daze, before taking the book and Kaneki wondered if he had even been paying attention.

“You didn't want anyone to hear you? That's why we came out here?”

“It's embarrassing.” Kaneki shrugged and wished that he could figure out what Nagachika's tone meant. He wasn't kept waiting long.

“But you're, like, really good!” Nagachika was suddenly much closer, his eyes positively sparkling. “You sounded totally different! Have you done theater before?”

“Uh, no?” Kaneki resisted the urge to take a step backwards.

“What, really? Dude, you should definitely try it! You sounded really good!”

Kaneki had braced himself for mockery but the jeers never came. Nagachika continued to give him that same wide-eyed enthusiasm and Kaneki felt strange and loose once he realized that he would not be made fun of.

“Oh. Thank you.”

  
  


___(two years and six months ago)___

  
  


“Nagachika, what got you interested in learning German?”

“ _Hide_.”

Kaneki shrugged and popped open his coffee. He ignored Nagachika's exasperated stare as he lifted the can to his lips and blew on the hot drink. Instead, Kaneki sat down on the steps near the vending machine and watched the street traffic.

“That's why I started college a year late.”

“Sorry?”

“I was in Germany.” Rather than opening his coffee, Nagachika held it to his chest with both hands as he tried to warm himself up. He stared out into the street in the same direction as Kaneki while he spoke. “With my father.”

Kaneki made a small sound of acknowledgment and took a sip of his coffee. He could never gauge when it was appropriate to ask personal questions. Lucky for him, Nagachika was a regular Chatty Patty and would often volunteer information.

“I grew up with my Ma here, in Tokyo. My father lived here too when I was younger, but he had to travel a lot for work and finally settled in Germany. He's in charge of a company branch in Berlin. I lived with him last year. He wanted to see if I was interested in working for him.” Nagachika shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“And take over the company?”

“Maybe. I don't know. I really liked the people and the culture- and the food was amazing! But I couldn't see myself staying. I missed Ma the whole time I was gone. Besides, he's got another family over there anyway.” Nagachika cracked open his coffee and took a long swallow.

Kaneki didn't know what to say to that so he didn't say anything.

“How about you?” Nagachika sat down next to him on the steps and smiled. “Got any weird 'daddy issues?'”

“My dad's dead.”

“I instantly regret the way I framed that question. Sorry.” Nagachika winced.

Kaneki laughed. “It's fine. He died when I was two so I don't even remember him. Cancer. I'm not sure what kind though, because Mother doesn't like to talk about him. I guess it's still too painful for her.”

“Did you grow up here in the city, too?”

“Mostly.” Kaneki fiddled with the pull-tab on his can, bending it back and forth. “We stayed in our first house for as long as possible, but eventually Mother fell ill and we couldn't afford to keep it.”

“What happened?”

“She had overworked herself. We moved out to the country for a year or so while she recovered, then we came back to Tokyo and moved in with her sister's family. We didn't stay there long, though. Mother went back to work as soon as she was able and by then I was old enough to start working, too.”

“So you worked through high school _and_ you were still able to keep your grades up? That's pretty impressive, Kaneki. You're here on a full scholarship, aren't you?”

Kaneki turned to him, surprised. “How did you know that?”

“You're pretty popular at student services.” Nagachika waggled his eyebrows. Kaneki broke the tab off and flicked it at him. The arc was too wide and it flew past him, bouncing off of the sidewalk.

“Don't say it like that.”

Nagachika laughed and pulled the tab off of his own drink. He leaned back before flicking it and it landed neatly in the breast pocket of Kaneki's jacket. Nagachika laughed harder when Kaneki looked personally offended by the entire thing, frowning down into his pocket but making no move to retrieve the bit of aluminum.

“But seriously,” Nagachika said after he'd calmed down enough to speak without giggling, “You're such a hard worker. Your mom must be pretty proud of you.”

“...I hope so.” Kaneki tipped the can up to drink the last of the coffee.

“You're not sure?”

“You sure are asking a lot of questions today.”

If Nagachika was put off by Kaneki's change in tone, he didn't show it. “I'm your student. I'm supposed to ask you a lot of questions.”

“Wait a minute. You just said you started late. How old are you?”

“Twenty.”

“You're _older_ than me?” Kaneki groaned. “You are hereby banned from calling me 'senpai.'”

“Aww, don't be like that, _senpai_.” Nagachika wriggled closer to him so that their knees touched. “I'm still counting on your guidance-”

“No,” said Kaneki, obviously unable to handle being betrayed by both physics and linear time in the span of one conversation. “I renounce you as my kouhai.”

“But you never announced it in the first place!”

“I was thinking it.”

“Nooo, don't do this to me!” Nagachika wailed. He abandoned his empty coffee can in favor of clutching at the sleeve of Kaneki's coat. “That's like telling me you made my favorite kind of cake and even wrote my name on it in icing but instead of sharing, you're just going to eat the whole thing in front of me!”

“Nonsense, I couldn't eat that much cake at once. I would have a slice and then throw the rest out.” Kaneki tried and failed not to smile when Nagachika wailed again, wrapping himself woefully around Kaneki's arm.

  
  


___(two years ago)___

  
  


“Kaneki.”

“Hm?”

“We're closing.”

“Hm.”

“Kaneki!” Touka slammed her hand down on the table, finally startling him into looking up at her. “You don't have to go home but you can't fucking stay here.”

“What?” Kaneki had spent the better part of the last four hours hunched over a stack of papers at the small café table. He stared blearily at Touka, then pushed his glasses up and rubbed at his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Eleven. Look, I'm going to go ahead and lock the doors, but you'd better be fucking ready to go by the time I'm done cleaning up.”

“Eleven? Weren't you open until four last semester?”

“Ch'yeah, during _finals_ week. We're only a month into the new semester, how do you already have this much crap?”

“I got that teaching internship with Professor Arima Ki-”

“Yeah yeah, you haven't shut up about that. I mean, are you doing all of this guy's grading?” Touka waved her hand to cut Kaneki off before he could answer. “Never mind, I don't care. Just finish what you're doing, quick. I've got somewhere to be.”

Touka walked away from him with a flip of her hair, then went back behind the counter. Kaneki looked through the window at his right and tried to remember which of the buses would still be running this late. He caught sight of his own reflection in the glass and turned away.

Twenty minutes later, Kaneki stood outside the back door to the café with Touka as she finished locking up. They chatted amiably as they walked across campus but when they got close to the bus stop, Touka stopped short.

“This is me.” Touka indicated the student dorms behind her by pointing her thumb back over her shoulder.

“Oh. Are you meeting up with someone?” Kaneki was pretty sure that she was still living off-campus in an apartment with her brother. Even though it was dark, he thought that he could see a light blush coloring Touka's cheeks.

“Yeah. Just, y'know, regular Saturday night. Stuff.”

“Stuff?” Kaneki smirked. Touka narrowed her eyes and raised her fist. Kaneki flinched and she clicked her tongue in disapproval.

“Two for flinching!” She punched him in the arm with each fist, but not hard. “You should try it sometime.”

“Try what? Stuff?”

“Try having fun. I imagine that you already get up to _stuff_ with that hot fianc _é_ of yours.” She grinned when Kaneki blushed all the way up to his ears and he stammered incoherently at her.

“Touka, t-that's not-”

“What, are you saving yourself for your wedding night? I heard it doesn't count if you stick it in--”

“Touka!” Kaneki yelped, tugging anxiously on the strap of his messenger bag. Touka cackled as she began to walk backwards towards the dorms.

“C'mon, Kaneki. The point of college is to _experiment_ \--”

“Please stop.”

  
  


___(twenty two months ago)___

  
  


“You shall not pass.”

Touka blocked the door to the café with one raised leg, foot solid against the doorjamb. Kaneki was temporarily distracted from his annoyance when he recognized her quote.

“You read _Lord of the Rings_?” he asked her excitedly. Touka shrugged.

“I saw the movie.”

“Oh, right,” Kaneki said thoughtfully, “In the books, the quote is actually 'you cannot pass.'”

“...Okay, so-”

“'I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass-'”

“OKAY,” Touka said loudly to drown out the sound of literature. “You can't fucking pass, wizard nerd. I'm tired of kicking you out at closing. Also, watching you do school stuff late at night on the weekends is super depressing.”

Kaneki gaped at her. “Touka, you can't just _ban_ me.”

“Actually, I totally can. All of my coworkers are scared of me so I can basically do whatever I want. Here,” she handed him a piece of orange-colored paper that was folded in half, “A new café opened up off-campus. They're open until two on the weekends.”

Kaneki opened the paper to reveal a photocopy of the new café's menu. He skimmed down to the bottom where the address was listed and saw that it was only a few blocks away. And actually, it was closer to his apartment.

“But I like _your_ coffee. And I won't get to see you as often.”

“Gee, I guess that means you'll have to make actual plans to hang out with me, doesn't it?”

A couple of students approached the door from inside the shop, seeking to utilize the exit for its intended purpose. Touka pointedly ignored them until they got the message and walked back across the shop to use the other door.

“Anyway, try out the new café and you can tell me all about it tomorrow over lunch. And wear one of your fancier cardigans because you're going to meet my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?!”

“Yeah. Oh, but not that navy one you have. I'm going to wear the sweater I have that looks kinda like that and I don't want our waiter to think I'm banging you and not her.”

“No, we wouldn't want that.” Kaneki covered his face with the orange leaflet.

…

  
  


The sun had fully set by the time Kaneki arrived at Pierrot. The first thing he noticed was that it was smaller than the campus café but it definitely had more of a kitschy vibe to it. Everything from the mismatched furniture to the wall art looked as though it had been purchased at random from yard sales that were hosted exclusively by grandmothers. Many of the chairs were upholstered with paisley and floral type patterns. The wall adjacent to the register was stacked with glass jars full of loose leaf teas. It was also much quieter than the campus café. There was only one other customer; a girl sitting at a table with her back to him, laptop out and earbuds in.

“Hello! For here or to-go?”

Kaneki identified the speaker as a mop of blond hair, just visible from where he was bent behind the counter, arranging a selection of chocolate truffles in the display.

“Here.”

“Sit where you like! I'll be with you in just a sec.”

Kaneki nodded even though the other person couldn't see him, then made his way over to a low table near the window and sank down into a plush armchair. From behind him, he could hear the server walk around the counter and over to where he sat.

“Welcome! We're giving away free muffins as part of our grand opening. Would you like a blueberry, apple, chocolate...”

Kaneki and the server stared at each other. Then Kaneki watched his smile transform from politely pleasant into something more gleeful.

“Heeey, Kaneki-sensei!”

“Don't call me that, Nagachika.”

“Stingy.” Nagachika dropped into the chair opposite of him. He was wearing a uniform consisting of a black button-down and wine red apron. His sleeves were rolled to the elbows and Kaneki glanced at the freckles on his arms. “How've you been? Heard you're teaching a class this semester.”

“Uh, not quite. I'm assisting Professor Arima Kishou but it's mostly grading student essays. Depending on how I do, then he'll start having me lead classes in a few months. I mean, if he thinks I'm up for it.”

“Whaat! You're totally up for it!” Nagachika gushed, leaning far enough forward that he was almost falling out of his seat. “You're such a good teacher. I almost wish I had majored in literature just so that I could have you tutor me again.”

“Y-you barely needed my help.” Kaneki sunk, if possible, even further into the chair. “Aside from a few suggestions on your first papers, you really only needed me to nag you into doing the assigned reading.”

“If you say so.” Nagachika shrugged. “But I think that I got excited about actually doing it only because you were so excited about books in the first place.”

“Oh. Well...” Kaneki fiddled with the clasp on his messenger bag.

Nagachika smiled. “So, what can I get you? Ooh, wait- don't tell me! I'm gonna guess.” He hopped up from the chair and skipped back around the counter.

Kaneki busied himself by starting on his school work. He opened his bag and brought out a heavily annotated copy of _Kafka on the Shore_ along with a stack of essays that were neatly bound with packaging twine. His eyes would often flick up to watch Nagachika bustle about, until he was caught in the act and received a knowing wink. After that, Kaneki kept his head down and tried to look preoccupied.

A group of students entered the shop and Nagachika greeted them cheerfully. They conversed with each other as they looked over the menu and Nagachika returned to Kaneki to drop off a latte in an oversized mug and a chunk of coffee cake.

“Enjoy,” Nagachika said quietly. Then he hurried away to serve the other customers and to avoid Kaneki's stammered protests of 'this is way too much' and 'this is clearly not a muffin.'

It was a while before Nagachika came back over. At first, Kaneki had intended to wait him out and then, possibly, return the cake or something- okay, he hadn't figured it out that far ahead- but his instinctive need to refuse undeserved gifts decreased in intensity the longer that he was away. Even though the new customers all placed a to-go order, Nagachika took his time talking with them before they left and eventually Kaneki decided that his coffee would taste better while it was still hot.

  
  


___(twenty one months ago)___

  
  


“So, Kaneki...” Nagachika draped himself over the back of Kaneki's armchair, looking down at the top of his head and the open book in his hands.

“So, Nagachika,” Kaneki replied cheekily, without turning away from his book.

"What do you do for fun?"

"What do you mean?"

"What else could I mean by that?" Nagachika blew on Kaneki's hair and then pulled back quickly to dodge a swat. He sauntered around the chair and then took a seat on the coffee table in front of him, purposefully bumping Kaneki's knees with his own.

Kaneki closed his book, holding it with a finger tucked inside to mark his place, and put on an annoyed expression. "Well, I like to read."

"I know that." Nagachika leaned forward and sighed extravagantly, as though Kaneki were being difficult on purpose. "I mean, what do you do on your days off?"

"Uh, this." Kaneki shrugged, gesturing with his free hand to indicate his book and the coffee on the table.

"Wait, you're telling me that this is one of your days off?"

Kaneki hesitated before nodding, seemingly worried that he could somehow answer the question incorrectly.

"But you work here all the time! Don't you wanna go somewhere else?"

"I went to the library this morning," Kaneki said defensively. "And I like it here. It's quiet. Most of the time." He gave Nagachika an accusatory stare.

Nagachika hummed and considered Kaneki with a slight frown. Then he broke out into a grin. "Are you free the rest of the day, too?"

"Yes?" Kaneki was quickly losing track of where this conversation was heading.

"Then do you want to go somewhere with me after I get off work in forty minutes?"

"...Oh." Kaneki rubbed his thumb over the pages of his novel. His strict book-handling etiquette tamped down the desire to nervously fold and unfold the corners. "Where?"

"Somewhere quiet."

"That's helpfully vague."

"Call it a surprise, then. You wanna go?"

Kaneki felt himself hesitate but he wasn't sure why. When he couldn't think of a reason to decline, he nodded. "Okay."

"Great!" Nagachika beamed. Then he was hit in the back of the head by a dish sponge. His coworker stood behind the counter, glaring at the two of them.

“Looks like you're being summoned,” Kaneki said as he flipped his book back open.

“Yeah, Nishiki gets jealous if I leave him alone for too long.” Nagachika winked before pushing himself up from the table.

…

  
  


It ended up being another hour until they left the shop. Nishiki kept finding more things for Nagachika to clean before letting him end his shift. At one point, Nishiki looked Kaneki dead in the eye while he upended wet coffee grounds onto the floor.

“Thanks for waiting,” Nagachika said again. “Nishiki really hates seeing other people have fun.”

“That's alright. I can relate to that a little.” Kaneki smiled when Nagachika laughed. “Are you going to tell me where we're going yet?”

“I don't think you understand what the word 'surprise' means, _sensei_.” Nagachika smirked and folded his hands behind his head.

“I'm not used to _good_ surprises,” Kaneki amended as he glanced at a street sign. It seemed like they were heading towards campus. “For me, surprises are like when I take the first sip of a black coffee and find out that there's already sugar in it. Or reading a student's essay and realizing that they've somehow plagiarized a paper that I wrote two years ago.”

“Or walking up a staircase and thinking that there's one more step than there actually is,” Nagachika nodded, “And you get that split second of terror when you step through open air.”

“Exactly.”

“My favorite kind of surprise is when you use a vending machine and two snacks come out instead of one.”

“That's never happened to me.”

“The trick is to hit multiple buttons at the same time.”

“Does it still count as a surprise if you're trying to make it happen?”

“Vending machine technique is a difficult method to master, so it's always a surprise when it actually works.”

Nagachika stopped in front of a building that Kaneki recognized but hadn't been inside of. It was set a little away from the main campus, but it was one of the Kamii University science buildings. Nagachika held the door open for Kaneki and bowed as he passed by. He lead them through the atrium, past tables and work stations populated by students who were studying or speaking quietly together, and down a hall towards a staircase in the back of the building.

"You've volunteered me as a test subject for an experiment," Kaneki guessed.

"Nope!" Nagachika's voice echoed in the stairwell.

"You're going to harvest my organs to sell on the black market."

"Nope!"

"You're going to feed me to a giant, carnivorous plant."

"Nope!"

They went all the way to the top of the stairs, stopping at the door that lead out onto the roof. Nagachika fished a lanyard out from under his shirt, pulling it up through the collar. At the end dangled a student ID with Nishiki's picture on it. He swiped it through the key card lock and the door opened with a click.

"Awfully nice of Nishiki to let you borrow that," Kaneki said slyly. Nagachika shrugged as he pushed the door open and was unable to hide a smirk.

"That's what he gets for dumping wet coffee grounds on the floor."

When they stepped out onto the roof, Kaneki was momentarily blinded by the bright sunlight and he scrunched his eyes shut.

"Oh, good idea!" Nagachika chirped from his side. Then Kaneki felt hands cover his eyes. "You should definitely wait until we get to the good part."

"I wish you had let me finish my book before leading me to my untimely death," Kaneki sighed.

"Oh hush. Start walking, would you?"

Kaneki began to walk forward slowly and awkwardly, with Nagachika all but hanging off of him to keep his eyes covered.

“Tell my mother,” Kaneki said mournfully, “That I'm sorry I was a disappointment to the end.”

“So we're gonna do this now, huh?” Nagachika kept his voice steady, but Kaneki could hear him fighting back a laugh. “Left here.”

“Tell Touka,” Kaneki turned left as instructed, “That this is all her fault because she kicked me out of her café _.”_

“I don't know who that is, but it sounds like I should be thanking her.”

“And tell Rize-”

“I don't know who any of these people are.”

“Have I not mentioned Rize? She's-”

“Tah-dah!”

Kaneki blinked in confusion at his surroundings. For a moment, he thought they were somehow back on the ground and not five stories up. They stood in the middle of a garden, surrounded by plants. On top of the concrete of the roof were wooden boxes- about three feet high and filled with soil- and out of them grew large, leafy plants and small trees.

“This started off as some kind of agriculture experiment a few years ago, but now it's just for fun, I guess.” Nagachika shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Pretty cool, right?”

A breeze rustled through the leaves and Kaneki closed his eyes. He inhaled the fresh scent of green things mixed in with the wind.

“You were right.” Kaneki pushed his hair out of his eyes and smiled at Nagachika. “It is very quiet up here.”

…

  
  


“Why didn't you ever call me?”

Nagachika had his hand on the door to the stairwell, but he was turned to face Kaneki. The question had been asked out of nowhere. They had stayed on the roof for a couple of hours, looking around at the plants and spying on the people on the ground below (Nagachika liked to invent backstories and guess what their voices sounded like). Then they had lied down on the benches, Kaneki picking up where he had left off in his book and Nagachika playing on his phone.

Kaneki tried to read Nagachika's expression. After he remembered that he was shit at that sort of thing, he decided to go for honesty. He looked down at the book in his hands when he spoke, running his thumb over the edges. “When you said that you wanted to hang out, I thought you were just being nice. I mean, you're pretty popular, right? You were always involved in some club or committee.”

“Fair enough, I guess.” Nagachika hummed. “But now I'm going to give you my number again. And this time, you should call me.”

“I-if that's what you want.” Kaneki blushed. He had never been aggressively befriended like this before. Sure, Touka was his friend and she was aggressive, but it wasn't the same thing.

“You know what I want.”

“Beg pardon?”

Nagachika's smile was full of mirth. “I want you to call me 'Hide.'”

“You're unbelievable,” Kaneki groaned.

“Sorry, didn't catch that?”

“You're unbelievable, _Hide_.”

“Yeah, I know.” Hide grinned and opened the door.

  
  


___(eighteen months ago)___

  
  


“Kaneki.”

“Hm?”

“We're closed.”

“Hm.”

Kaneki was startled by the feeling of cool air being blown on his ear. He yelped and dropped his pen on the floor.

“Sorry,” Hide said, not sounding particularly repentant. He set Kaneki's pen on the table, next to his perpetual stack of student essays. “I've gotta finish cleaning up. You gonna be ready to go in, like, ten minutes?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Kaneki pushed his glasses up onto his head and rubbed at his eyes. “It's two already?”

“It's two thirty, son.” Hide sat down on the leather couch next to Kaneki and ruffled his hair. “I was hoping you would figure it out while I was counting out the cash register. And then I was hoping you'd notice when I cleaned out the pastry display. And _then_ I-”

“Okay, okay.” Kaneki sighed and leaned against Hide. He stared blearily at the papers on the table and blinked slowly, finally realizing how tired he was. It would be really easy to fall asleep like this. “I may have been told before that my observational skills need some work.”

“Lucky for you, I am _very_ observant.” Hide put his arm around Kaneki and rubbed his shoulder.

“And how does that help me?” Kaneki chuckled. “Are you going to lead me around like a guide dog?

“I could. Especially if that meant I got to hold your hand everywhere.”

“Oh.” Kaneki yawned. Then he sputtered and sat up straight, turning to face Hide. “Wait, what?”

 


	3. good morning, sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that awkward moment when your walk of shame is just coming home from an impromptu slumber party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter this time, but I wanted to get it out bc I just got Nier Automata and you probably won't see me again until I've beaten it at least once lol. hmu on tumblr (mermaidsnogrr) though if you've got any prompt requests and I'll put out drabbles now and then :]

Kaneki was caught on the edge between sleep and waking. He felt pleasantly warm and at peace. Hide's chest slowly rose and fell beneath him, his hand resting heavily on Kaneki hip. Kaneki kept his eyes closed and tried to will himself into a deeper sleep to keep the dream going. Because that's what it was; a continuation of the dream he had the previous morning. Maybe if he lay still enough, he could manage to sleep through Touka's phone call, too. Then he could just stay in bed all day and try to recreate this dream every time he fell back asleep. Then he wouldn't have to be subjected to another session of Touka's Rehabilitate Kaneki Program and wouldn't have to pretend to eat in a noisy, crowded place and wouldn't run into Hide-

No, not 'run into.' _Meet_. Hide wanted to meet him there. Hide wanted to-

Kaneki's eyes flew open. He stared into Hide's brown ones. Or hazel? There were flecks of green around the irises. Oh, _shit_.

"Good morning," Hide murmured. His smile was a gentle curl of his lips and morning sunlight in his eyes.

"Morning," Kaneki said. He hoped that his voice had been too low for Hide to hear how it shook. He also hoped that Hide couldn't feel how his heart was beating a rapid tempo inside his chest.

"Sleep alright?"

Hide's voice was too soft, too gentle, and too full of something that Kaneki could not name, but that evoked the same feeling as hearing a promise you knew would not be kept. The hand on his hip idly thumbed the strip of skin between his pants and shirt.

"Sorry."

"For what?" Hide blinked sleepily at him, still smiling.

"Sorry," Kaneki said again, reflexively. "I should..."

Hide hummed in acknowledgment. "Okay. Do you want some breakfast?"

"N-no, thank you." That would be just what he needed to turn this into a full blown nightmare: struggling to eat in front of the boy he liked.

"Coffee?"

Coffee would be good. Coffee would wake him up and cover his morning breath. Oh, _fuck_. Kaneki shifted his head down a bit before answering, both to break eye contact and to stop breathing on Hide's face when he spoke. "That sounds nice."

"Decaf, right?" Hide chuckled when Kaneki grimaced. "Kidding."

Reluctantly, Kaneki pulled himself out of Hide's embrace and sat up on the bed. He rubbed at his eyes and felt Hide stretch and get up as well, his weight leaving the mattress. Kaneki groggily watched Hide's back as he left to make coffee and then took the opportunity to look at his surroundings. They had fallen asleep fully clothed on top of Hide's bed. What had they been doing in here? Kaneki glanced at the dresser and saw a stack of records. Right, they were going through more of Hide's music. Kaneki had fallen asleep listening to Bach's cello suite number four.

_'In E-flat major,' Hide said. 'That's the one you like.' And when he saw that Kaneki was falling asleep on his bed, coming down hard from his caffeine high, Hide turned off the lights and music._

_'Hey,' he said quietly next to Kaneki's ear, his hand smoothing over his hair, 'I'll be in the living room if you need me.'_

_Kaneki made a small sound of dissent and tugged on Hide's shirt. 'Stay.'_

Upon remembering, Kaneki stifled a groan and buried his face in his hands. Embarrassing. Embarrassing and needy.

Kaneki went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He belatedly realized that there was only one towel out and dried his face on his shirt. He wished that he had thought to bring his travel toothbrush, but he hadn't planned on staying out all night. Kaneki's stomach soured when he thought of Hide kissing him the previous night and tasting the stale cigarette smoke in his mouth. And he hadn't showered yesterday so his hair was greasy, too. He pat his bed head down and hoped that Hide hadn't touched it too much, but then remembered that he had touched his stomach. The sick feeling in his gut intensified. Kaneki wondered if Hide had been disgusted to feel how thin he had become. Maybe he had been relieved that Kaneki chickened out on having sex because then he wouldn't have to pretend to enjoy fucking a skeleton.

_Stop it._ Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut and crossed his arms tightly over his chest, pressing down on his ribs. He tipped forward over the sink until his forehead made contact with the cool glass of the mirror. _Hide wouldn't think that. Hide isn't like that._

Besides, even if this did turn out just to be a one-time thing, it had been nice. He would carry around that memory of waking up next to Hide for a long time. Kaneki tried to catalogue everything he could about that moment; Hide's orange shirt was a soft, thin material- probably cotton. It was around ten in the morning and the blinds hadn't been properly closed, so sunlight had fallen on Hide and reflected that color. The whole room had been filled with a soft orange glow. He had already been awake, watching Kaneki, and there was green in his eyes. Hide had the sort of hair that looked good when messy and it was attractively tousled, even though part of it stuck up at an odd angle from being smushed against the pillow. His arm around Kaneki felt warm. Felt safe.

Kaneki heard the sound of a kettle whistling from the kitchen. He took a couple of deep breaths before exiting the bathroom, making sure to dodge his reflection.

Hide had his back turned to him when Kaneki entered the kitchen. He was concentrating on the kettle in his hand as he carefully poured water into the hourglass-shaped coffee decanter. His movements were slow and deliberate, creating a spiral shape in the coffee grounds. Kaneki watched the muscles in his arm flex for a moment before looking away, embarrassed that he had been staring.

“Sorry,” Kaneki said after Hide had set the kettle back on the stove, “I didn't mean to put you through any trouble.”

“It's no trouble. Did you forget that I'm a coffee snob?” Hide leaned back against the counter while the coffee dripped down through the filter. “I don't have an electric coffee maker. Just this and the French press- and I still haven't cleaned that from last night.”

“Oh, right. Heh, the first time I came over and you brought out that manual coffee grinder, I thought you were really trying to show off.” Kaneki laughed a little and he covered his mouth with his hand.

“You're not wrong. I'm _always_ showing off." Hide reached into the sink and rinsed out the mugs that they used for coffee. They were a hand-painted pair that, if Kaneki remembered correctly, Hide had received as a housewarming gift from one of his friends. Hide favored the one decorated in sunflowers and he let Kaneki use the one painted with a blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

They stood in the kitchen and drank in relative silence. Hide made good coffee and it was nice to just share a moment with him like this. His apartment always felt comfortable and homey. However, it was also the kind of comfortable that made Kaneki desperate to leave before he could mess anything up. He burned his tongue from drinking too quickly and stammered a few more apologies when Hide wouldn't let him help clean up.

“You didn't make a mess,” Hide said bemusedly. “You alphabetized my records. That's literally the opposite of making a mess.”

“Oh.” Kaneki was at a loss for words, awkwardly caught between wanting to leave and wanting to stay close to Hide.

_The longer you stay, the more you'll ruin it._

“I should--.” Kaneki made a vague gesture with his hand. Hide nodded and lead him over to the door.

_Can I see you again?_

_Are you sure you don't hate me?_

_Was this because you felt sorry for me?_

Kaneki put his shoes and jacket back on. He straightened and nodded to Hide, then opened the door. Kaneki stepped over the threshold and turned back to face him, one hand reaching out to touch the door frame. Hide didn't say anything. Was he waiting for him to say something?

“Thanks for having me over.” Kaneki felt his insides shrivel before the words had completely left his mouth.

"Have a good day." Hide smiled but it seemed a little strained. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

_I want to see you again._

"I don't have my life together," Kaneki blurted. "I'm basically the human embodiment of the word 'uncomfortable.'"

Hide stared at him, obviously taken aback, but he waited patiently for Kaneki to continue.

"B-but I, um, I like you and maybe it would be nice to hang out again? Soon."

"Hang out?" Hide smiled and this time it was genuine.

"Yeah." Kaneki flushed. He knew that Hide was probing for clearer language. "L-like a date. If that's okay. With you."

"I'd like that." Hide held out his hand, palm up. Kaneki took it with his own trembling one, aware that his palm was probably cold and clammy. Hide looked embarrassed now. "Uh, sorry. Your phone? So I can put my number in?"

"Oh, right. I... I still have it." Kaneki turned even more red. He looked down at their clasped hands, feeling more awkward by the moment.

"But you never called."

"I couldn't."

Hide pulled Kaneki closer and his other hand came up to gently cup his cheek. He guided Kaneki to raise his head so that their eyes met. Hide seemed to be searching his face for something, but for what Kaneki wasn't sure. Then he leaned in and slowly pressed their lips together.

Kaneki stiffened and his hand flailed for a moment before finding Hide's wrist. But after that brief moment of panic, he forced himself to relax, feeling secure with the thought that Hide wouldn't hurt him. He leaned into the kiss with a sigh.

Hide broke away, but placed a smaller kiss on the corner of his mouth before pulling back completely. He squeezed Kaneki's hand and smiled. "I'll see you later?"

"Yes." Kaneki smiled tentatively back. "Definitely."

  
  


___(twenty months ago)___

  
Kaneki groaned and rolled over in bed, pulled from deep sleep by the incessant buzzing of his phone. He slapped his hand on the nightstand until he felt it vibrate underneath his palm and reluctantly squinted at the bright light of the display. The phone told him two things: Firstly, it was 3:30 in the morning. Secondly, Hide was calling him. Kaneki groaned again as he rubbed a hand over his face and considered ignoring the call out of spite alone. And he didn't want to wake Rize up-

Kaneki glanced at the empty space next to him in the bed. Rize still hadn't returned from her night out. Well, nevermind that then.

"You'd better be dying," Kaneki grunted after he accepted the call.

"Uh," said a voice that was decidedly not Hide's. "Is this Kaneki?"

_Oh god I take it back he is dying and this is the nurse at the hospital calling to tell me his final words or he's been kidnapped and this is some criminal calling me for a ransom oh god will I be able to find an ATM open this late can I get an advance on my scholarship for next semester-_

"Yes!" Kaneki sat up quickly, adrenaline pushing him to alertness. "Who is this?"

"Hey, this is Yamada. From the activities club? Can you come get Hide?"

"I'll need to go by an ATM," Kaneki squeaked.

"What?"

"Uh, nothing." Kaneki pressed the heel of his hand into his eye. "What about Hide?"

"Oh, yeah. Bro is super drunk and I don't want him to walk home by himself."

"Seriously?" Kaneki sighed and swung his legs out of bed, resigning himself to wakefulness.

"Yeah. I told him he could sleep here, but he says he's got work in the morning. Can you come?"

"Okay, okay. What's your address?"

...

Half an hour later, Kaneki found himself outside of an apartment close to campus. He double-checked the address on his phone before knocking, even though the noise from within provided a clear indicator that he was in the right place. When no one answered, he tentatively tried the knob. It was unlocked, so he opened the door and cautiously made his way inside.

The noise was coming from a television in the living room and the people who were yelling at it. There were seven adults crammed onto a couch, two of whom were holding video game controllers.

"Grab the shotgun! Why the fuck aren't you grabbing the shot gun!"

"Ahh! You guys are gonna get killed! You're gonna get fucking killed!!"

Then there was a collective cringe and more yelling as a wet chomping sound came from the TV.

"Shit, that's so gross! Oh, hey are you Kaneki?" This must be Yamada. Older, taller, dark-haired and toned. Kaneki thought that he looked vaguely familiar.

Hide dropped the controller and whipped his head around. "NEKI!" He grinned and half-lunged towards Kaneki, but only managed to throw himself across the lap of the person sitting next to him.

"Get off, Hide!" A girl laughed and ruffled his hair. Her bracelets jangled together as she did so.

"Beep-beep, Nagachika! Your ride is here!"

"Uh, hi." Kaneki blushed and stared down at the floor, suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that he had only thrown on his blue hoodie over his pajamas. He probably had bed-head too but he resisted the urge to pat down his hair since that would only draw more attention to it.

"Hey, thanks for coming to get him." Yamada had disentangled himself from the group and spoke with Kaneki while Hide said his farewells.

"Thanks for calling me." Kaneki watched as Hide received hugs and slaps on the back.

“You seemed like the best person to come get him. He hasn't shut up about you.”

“Oh. Really?”

The group suddenly burst out into laughter at a joke Hide told before he said goodbye once more and sauntered over to Kaneki.

"Hi." He smiled at Kaneki with a dopey, lopsided grin. Yamada ruffled his hair. Hide tried to ruffle his back, but Yamada easily held him out of reach with a hand on his head and pushed him towards the door.

"Get home safe, you gremlin. Nice meeting you, Kaneki."

"You too."

"Thanks, Yamada-senpai!"

...

Kaneki lead the way downstairs and breathed a sigh of relief when they were back out in the quiet, cool night.

"It's cold!" Hide exclaimed and latched onto Kaneki's arm. He felt unusually warm from the alcohol and his cheeks were flushed red

"No, you're just drunk." Kaneki steered him towards the direction of his apartment. "C'mon, let's get you home.”

"You're the best!"

“Stop yelling.”

“But I want everyone to know how great you are!” Hide said at an even louder volume. Then he aggressively rubbed his face on Kaneki's shoulder, causing them both to stumble.

“H-Hide.” Kaneki tried in vain to extract his arm from Hide's unrelenting affections. "Hide, please let go."

Hide whined in response.

"It's hard to walk like this."

"...M'kay."

Hide reluctantly pried himself off of Kaneki and they walked side by side in silence. However, Hide's pout was persistent and he kept his arms crossed over his chest, looking entirely more put-upon than Kaneki thought the situation called for. After two blocks of this, Kaneki sighed and offered him his hand. Hide's expression brightened immediately and he cheerfully slipped his hand into Kaneki's. He was a little unsteady on his feet but he hummed happily as they walked, swinging their clasped hands between them.

…

Hide successfully found his keys in a jacket pocket on the third try, but Kaneki was the one to unlock the door. He corralled Hide into the kitchen and made him drink a glass of water before he could lay down in bed.

“Chug, chug, chug,” Hide whispered to himself as he raised the glass.

“No, no, no.” Kaneki put his hand on Hide's wrist and steadied his grasp. “Drink it like a person who does not want to drown.”

Hide did not drown. But he did drop his jacket there on the floor and tried to take his pants off on the way into the bedroom. He shuffled the last few steps and tripped as they caught around his ankles before pancaking onto the bed.

“Thankssoooo much, 'Neki.” Hide, thankfully, kicked his pants the rest of the way off without any assistance.

“Mmhm.” Kaneki tugged the blanket out from under Hide and covered him with it.

“Ooh, turndown service.” Hide wriggled happily. He suddenly focused on Kaneki and grabbed onto the hem of his hoodie, dragging him closer. “Heyy. You should stay over. Then we can go out to breakfast and I can buy you all the food for thank you times.”

“You don't have to. And you have work in the morning.” Kaneki pat Hide's hand and he let go.

“But I _want_ to.”

Kaneki's heart skipped a beat. He thought about the long walk home to an empty apartment.

“Well. I guess it's not like anyone is waiting up for me.”

Hide made a triumphant sound and slapped his hands on the bed. “Wanna snuggle? I've been told that I am a very excellent big spoon.”

“I'll take the couch, thanks.” Kaneki reached for Hide's hand once more, intending to pat it again but instead he ran his fingers over the knuckles in a soft caress. “Goodnight, Hide.”

  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Welcome to my new longfic! Unlike SW, this will not have a regular update schedule, but I'm going to aim for every other Friday. "But sinshine, what about that spy au you said you were working on?" Yeah well, that thing is on its third rewrite so please enjoy this fresh helping of suffering instead. The rating is definitely gonna go up later on. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


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